‘I declare before you all, that my whole life, whether it be long or short, shall be devoted to your service and the service of our great imperial family to which we all belong.
God help me to make good my vow, and God bless all of you who are willing to share in it.’
-From a speech made by the The Queen, aged twenty-one, in 1947.
‘Would you please help me, would you pull my pants off?’
–The Queen, to a surprised footman, upon coming in from a long morning in wet weather. Her boots and waterproof leggings were proving difficult to remove)
It used to be silver
Then it was gold
She was always a diamond
Who couldn’t be sold
And now it is platinum
And so it should be
For seventy years
She’s kept dignity
She’s a trooper
And not just of the colour
A Queen by nature
They’ll be no other
She’s one in a million
Top notch – she’s ace
She’s held down this job
With composure and grace
We’ll celebrate
As best as we can
A tonic for the nation
Happy Birthday Ma’am.
‘I’ve won! I’ve won!’
–The Queen (upon learning that England’s cricketers had just won a test against Australia).
‘You should answer that. It might be someone important.’
The Queen (to someone whose mobile phone was ringing during an audience with The Queen).
There was a horrible face at the window
It was a face of enormous self doubt
It said, ‘I’m getting married tomorrow
Will my beloved be going without?’
I said, ‘Explain, please do. I’m confused.’
They said, ‘Woe is me. I’m lost. All at sea.
I’m afraid I don’t have the heart
And for their heart, I don’t have the key.’
‘It’s okay, I see what’s going on here.
Come in and take a seat
It’s all a storm in a teacup
I think you’re just getting cold feet.’
They said, ‘I can’t see the future too clearly.
I think I won’t be much good
What if the marriage is all a disaster
And my love is simply a dud?’
‘Your fears are all an illusion
Care not,’ I said, ‘Do not afear.
Your marriage will be a long and good one
I tell you-your cupid is here.’
They said, ‘You don’t understand, I’ve lost the ring!’
‘Oh, so that’s why you’re so low!’
They said, ‘Yes, and it cost a fortune.
They’ll be mad, I am sure, I’ll just go!’
‘No, don’t go in haste, I’ve a plan
Take this bracelet and bend it just so
It’s just tin and worth nothing at all
But if they love you, they won’t say no.’
So they went away and tested the theory
And got married, the horrible face did
And they were happy, ever after, from then on
And we both kept the secret quite hid
From this day, they are so blissful
They never found the ring though
But whenever they come to visit
There’s a beautiful face at the window.
There’s no time like the present
Present means gift
It’s now or never, it’s here somehow
But it always goes adrift
The gift of where we are right now
Is staring us in the face
Right where we stand, this second
Right here, in this place
Well…it was here a second ago
But now it’s out of date
Oh, hang on, it’s coming up again…
All we have to do is wait
Ah, but now it’s the future
And still it won’t last
And as I’ve been writing
It’s become the past
Live in the present
Because it’s gone
In the blink of an eye
There are many presents to open
Many ribbons to untie
See how precious it is
Like a jewelled crown
It’s like a butterfly
Except it can’t be pinned down
So enjoy this moment, this hour, this day
And keep your presence
Close to the present
Before it flies away.
The orchestra will try to make you
Change your tune
You don’t have to keep in time
Or even be heard
Above the cacophony
As long as you hear your own music
Feel the rhythm
Love the style
And enjoy the way
It makes you feel
The artistic director may try to
Turn you around
Conduct you
And make you toe the line
Find musicians more to your liking
Ones that share the same tempo
And can keep in time to your beat
As you keep in time with theirs
And let you do a solo now and then
Make and play the sort of music
That allows you to change key
Without warning
It has to be that way
Or, all your life
You’ll be out of tune.
It started out
With the same theme
Like any other day
Old routine
Long time
Stuck in the sack
They’re having fun
I’m out of whack
While cocooned
Had strange dreams
Chewing leaves
Anything green
I was running away
From a bird on my case
Dived into undergrowth
To get it out of my face
Ate my way through
The neighbours hedge
Flower patch
Gouged on veg
Addicted to grass
Tried to ease
Desperate craving
For garden peas
Exhausted then
Fell asleep
Hairy legs
Belly deep
The neighbourhood cried
Here comes trouble
I yawned and stretched
And burst from the bubble
It started out
With the same theme
Like any other day
Old routine
But life became
A permanent high
When I emerged
A butterfly.
Things In My Head 